Spring is Finally here. Where’s the love?

16 Apr

Spring DatingIt’s been awhile since I last wrote. Not really sure why because a lot has been happening. Spring is finally here in the city and it feels like a whole new world. I’m happy about that because I’m in need of new energy.

I’ve been doing a lot of self reflecting, which I think is a good thing. I’ve been single for 3 years (I think) and I’m 36 now. I know some people like being single and maybe I did for a certain period, but I’m pretty sick of it now. I’ve been sick of being single for all of 2015. You can only get hit on by so many 22-27 year olds before it starts to get old. These little boys are aggressive and grabby too. I find myself not even wanting to go out because that’s what I find out. Waste of time, waste of calories spent on liquid!

After a 7.5 year relationship going right into a 5.5 year relationship I needed to rediscover who I was and what I wanted. I think when you are in a relationship you are always thinking what else is out there in the most idealistic sense. The hard reality (at least here in NYC) is that there are a lot of drugged out, narcissistic, broke, selfish, slutty, objectifying guys out there that are too scared to get emotionally invested in anyone, so they just go about using and abusing every woman that crosses their path. I date these guys and befriend these guys. See it first hand and then my friends tell me about their own similar experiences. It’s so bad here that my girlfriends will only date people outside of the city.

I recently dated this guy Jose P. for 6/7 months and every time I brought up us just seeing each other he would stall me and/or have one excuse or another. What the fuck?! That’s a long ass time. You know a person pretty well after a couple of months, there’s no need for 4 months or longer. So all this waiting talk is pure bullshit!!

The kind of guy that pulls this shit and pretends to want something serious is the worst kind of guy. Claims he wants it all, but always runs away attempting to keep you waiting around for sexual favors or God knows what. I don’t understand why people have gotten so messed up and insecure that they can’t commit to a few months of respectfully dating one another. Dating is meant to get to know people…break ups are ok. What’s not ok is running around on every single person you date. That is psychologically and physically unhealthy for both parties. Insecure people do this and it further breeds trust issues and insecurities.

I’ll write more about dating Jose in detail later. He was literally the 3rd person I’ve ever dated in my life. I fell hard for him and he broke my heart. I had been running around in circles all that time until I met him. Somehow he got me to stand still long enough to realize that I wanted to be with just him. I wanted more and I wanted to take chances with him. I was bold and told him what I wanted and I still got nothing from him. I honestly now think he never stopped dating and meeting other girls the entire I time I knew him. Makes me literally sick to my stomach. I really think he thought he would get hurt by me, so he hurt me first by letting me down every time I would give him a chance. There’s only so many times you can try and give others chances.

I’m still trying to figure out what went wrong and whose fault it all was. This “thing” whatever you call it even though it didn’t have a label certainly feels like a breakup. Accompanied by nausea, crying and lack of appetite. I haven’t felt this shit in over a decade. It’s truly awful!  At the end of the day I wish people could remain friendly after break ups. I guess it’s more difficult for some than others.  I really try to communicate and respect people I date and by date I mean longer than a month. I guess I’m happy that I’m finally open to receiving love again. It took 10 long years! I’m hurt now and realize it’s not killing me, so I can get hurt again. I’ve cried a lot of tears over Jose, but the next time I’ll choose someone who is also ready, who actually wants the same things and it will be for real. And I’m not going to find him on Tinder like I found Jose. I’m brave enough to take chances in love again. It’s a really huge breakthrough for me. I’m excited and I can’t wait to meet the special guy that was meant for me. I can’t wait to feel safe, loved and protected in someones arms again. Ahhh that’s just the best! Also the regular sex is priceless…GOD give me that again. This body was not meant to be wasted and it certainly goes LONG periods being wasted.

I hope the next few months brings lots of inspiring new adventures for all you 30somethings out there…me included :).

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2 Responses to “Spring is Finally here. Where’s the love?”

  1. vince November 26, 2015 at 8:20 pm #

    Your terminology (shopping for men, wasting a body, etc) hints at your way of thinking which filters your perceptions (and attraction) of the men around you.

    Like

    • thirtyflirtyfit September 15, 2016 at 9:49 pm #

      Where do you live “Vince”? You can’t possibly know what I go through being single and the constant disappointment. Just last night I had an Irish bartender invite just me into a private bathroom to make out with him after a 10 min pleasant non sexual conversation with me and my girlfriend. Obviously I declined. He was a ginger portly freckled bartender. Not that it matters. I should’ve been surprised and sad that it even happened, but I’ve sadly been invited into bathrooms more times then I care to admit after 5 mins of convo. Even by all American 6’3 educated gorgeous men. I get offended with them as well and always decline. It’s been a year since I’ve had sex and I literally get dick thrown at me all the time in the most horrid disrespectful way by all kinds of guys. Even NFL gorgeous men that play for the Giants that I still decline. I live a tortured existence and I’m miserable. I must’ve been an awful player of a man in my past life time.

      Like

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